Where Colors Hide

a poem on vitality

This is a Level 3 entry for Bradley Ramsey’s Power up Prompt #26. The prompt is to write a poem encompassing identity, an emotion of our choosing, and a musical pairing. Please listen to the song at the bottom of the page all the way through—I promise it is worth your time.

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I thought it was money.
I thought it was fame.
I thought it was letting the world know my name.

It didn’t take long
For me to ask why.
If I had no reasons, then why should I try?

Since the world cannot say
Why it needs me alive
Then maybe, I thought, it is better I die.

So neither my dreams
Nor accomplishments mattered.
And in that belief, all my confidence shattered.

Nothing I could give
And nothing I gave
Seemed like a good enough reason to stay.

It was there in the darkness
Without any hope
That I understood what allowed me to cope.

The passion I’d waived,
Love I’d willingly lost,
Was more than a sacrifice; it was the cost.

If I chose to pay
What I’d never received,
I might end up with fewer reasons to grieve.

Still, it meant nothing
If no one could see
What I wanted for it, or what it meant to me.

And why should it matter?
What could I possibly give?
How could I convince you that we both should live?

I listened to gurus.
I did what they said.
I didn’t feel whole. I only felt more dead.

I tried so many things.
I tried to become.
With every attempt, I only felt more numb.

And so

I gave

Up.

I thought…

Maybe…

Just maybe…

Should I try again…

First I ought to find in myself…

A friend.

If I’m to change one life…

It should be my own.

Let me find,

Inside of my own soul…

A home.

And

So

I

Did.

I turned to my passions
And did them for me.
With eyes for naught else, I saw what I could be.

At first I was starving.
I pushed myself hard.
As I stepped back and swallowed, I saw I’d come far.

Then I pushed again
But it was different this time.
Rather than test distance, I started to climb.

I went up too high
And fell back to the earth.
This time I landed breathless with mirth.

The dirt felt so soft
And the air tasted sweet.
I found myself happier there, on my feet.

Having proven to myself
I had means to pay,
I forgave the cost, and I started to play.

With every new project,
With every new toy,
I created my own hope. I created joy.

I delighted in weirdness
And fell in love with my brain.
You could call it nonsense. You could call me insane.

But life never felt so full
And I, so at peace.
I could not be stopped. You couldn’t force me to cease.

As I looked around,
I saw I wasn’t alone.
In my creative endeavors, I had forged… a home.

Some came for my art.
They loved what they saw.
Some recognized themselves while others felt awe.

Still others saw me
And knew they must stay.
They recognized what I had on full display.

These weird little people,
They’d fought the same fight.
And when our paths merged, they knew theirs was right.

And so that’s how I knew
I, too, made the right choice.
We all shared our meaning by sharing our voice.

We shared the same purpose
Without sharing the same words.
Just as one flock is brighter when it has more birds.

I offered the joy I found.
They offered theirs to me.
We partook as joy aligned and found joy in what would be.

This brought me no money.
This brought me no fame.
But here, in this world, they spoke love with my name.