Time For a Comeback

I Never Thought I'd Be This Ready

It was all worth it.

All those years of misery, of hopelessness, of feeling my life was not worth living.

Somehow I made it through. I couldn’t tell you how. On multiple occasions I came close to giving up for good.

It’s been over two years without a mental health relapse, and in that time I have fought even harder for a life that feels worth living.

I never believed I could be who I am today, that I could be ready to face the challenges that I am in the ways that I am going to. I wanted to believe I could become less than I am now, and that was too much to fathom.

I have been so afraid the last few weeks. So afraid that I wouldn’t belong. So afraid that love wouldn’t last, or that it was an illusion that would only hurt me. So afraid that I would lose even more to those who I’d accepted had power over me.

I am not who I was.

I was worried that wouldn’t matter. That the people I needed to see it, wouldn’t.

It turns out they probably won’t.

It also just so happens that I don’t need them to. I have the character, the resources, and the support to turn things around myself, at last.

Yesterday I wanted to laugh and to scream over something that, the day before, had given me anxiety attacks. Something that, two and a half years ago, sent me into a spiral that landed me in the hospital, and not for the first time. Yesterday, I continued to work and then went on a date with my boyfriend. We had a wonderful night. I was able to forget about the fear for a time. Late the night before, while feeling shaky with a headache, I had called a friend and then a relative, just to have someone to talk to while I was reeling from the aftermath of two anxiety attacks in a row. That was one of the first times in my life that I have gone out of my way to call someone just because I needed someone to talk to. My aunt and I ended up going to a dance together. I had a blast, and then went back to work.

It wasn’t the dance that changed anything.

For weeks I’ve been facing relationship trauma head-on. I’ve been learning to trust. My partner is such a wonderful and compassionate man and I’ve never felt so cared for. That’s been painful to learn to trust.

For weeks I’ve been starting to plan for a future. I’ve been working more hours. (I’m so exhausted.) I’ve been putting money aside. I’ve been thinking about what I want. I’ve been allowing myself to believe I am strong enough to go for it. I’ve been allowing myself to believe, for the first time, that things will be okay.

For the first time, I realized what bullshit I’ve been putting up with, for years now. What absolute, utter bullshit.

For the first time I realized that I don’t deserve this and I don’t have to lie down and take it. Nor should I.

It’s such a relief.

I’m so tired I could cry, but I’m laughing in relief.

I’m not in this for the short haul. That was never an option. And that’s okay. That’s not as scary as it was. Nor does it hurt anymore.

So much of it is laughable.

I was so small for so long. So fragile. So lacking in self-confidence and self-awareness and voice. I let people walk all over me thinking I deserved it. I did not deserve it. Not to the extent that it’s been happening. Maybe not at all.

I am not small anymore.

I am wise. I am compassionate. I am reasonable. My priorities are in the right place.

I’ve won.

It doesn’t even matter what comes next. I’ve won by becoming the person who I am today.

I have so many people who love me and appreciate me. I make such a difference in so many people’s lives. I am so strong. These things will only change for the better.

I’ve felt this sort of ‘righteous anger’ before, but not like this. Not in a way that I felt I could do anything about it. Now I know exactly what steps to take, and I feel joy at my readiness to take them.

I feel so much joy.

It has been such an important part of my life the last two years. There has been so much joy at how far I’ve come, at how much I’ve grown, and how much I’ve found myself capable of. I’ve worked for this, and it’s been overwhelmingly good.

The joy I feel today makes all of my past joy look small.

The joy I feel today does not have room for fear in its shadow.

I don’t have to cower before my future anymore.

The love I have fought to become no longer has to shrink to the confines I let someone else dictate.

It will be my weapon, and with it I will bring this joy to those who I am fighting for.

And what a weapon love is; it only wounds those who have made no room for it in their hearts.